(Doin' It) The Hard Way
From the film Duffy's Tavern
Written by Jimmy Van Heusen and Johnny Burke
© 1945 Paramount Music Corp.

Released on Capitol 211
Recorded April 7, 1945
Orchestra conducted by Paul Weston
Running Time: 3 mins 12 secs

At the early age of three
It first occurred to me
A girl should always try to improve herself
While the others played with toys
I practiced charm and poise
And finished Dr. Eliotís Five Foot Shelf
I exercised each morning
Cold-creamed my face each night
Saw my dentist twice a year
Curbed my appetite
And so I modestly admit
It didnít help one single bit!

Some girls can make any man dream
By flashing an innocent gleam
Me, I do a hiccup
Curl my upper lip up
Light a roman candle and scream
I have to do it the hard way

Some girls can wear any old rags
And capture the wolves and the stags
Me, I dress in sables
Walk across the tables
Waving three American flags
I have to do it the hard way

Letís say thereís a dance
Theyíre playing a waltz
And I want romance
Thatís when I begin turning somersaults

Some girls can keep men on their toes
By smiling and throwing a rose
Me, I wrack my noodle
Whistle ďYankee DoodleĒ
Balancing a broom on my nose
Oh Iím a-telling you why
I have to do it the hard way

My freshman year in college
I remember I was mild
I wore pretty clothes, got an A in Geometry
A normal child
But nobody wanted to date me
I'd sit at home and dream
So in order to get attention
I had to scream

The fellas liked girls who wore perfurme
So I bought Forbidden Flower
But I had to mix it with ether
To get them in my power
I didn't want to go crazy
But I ain't kidding, Jack
Since that time I'm telling you I'm
A raving, ranting, impetuous, panning, violent maniac

The girls who read books and wear specs
Get fellas with great intellects
Me, I get fanatics
Guys who live in attics
Yes, I even pick up the checks
I have to do it the hard way

Suppose thereís a park
A boy on a bench
Iím out for a lark
So I make him fall with a monkey wrench

When someone like Hedy Lamarr
Steps into the swankiest bar
All the fellas get up
Light her cigarette up
Me, Iíd have to smoke a cigar
And then theyíd call me a car

Doctor, is there a chance for me?
Canít you cure this insanity?
Iím tired of tearing up the town, being one of the sights
Wearing funny hats trimmed in neon lights
Why must I always be bettered and scarred?
Iím doing everything the hard way